Chop Chop Goodbye

There are two possible situations - one can either do this or that. My honest opinion and my friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it - you will regret both.
(Kierkegaard)

I’m Disillusioned

In everything I really wanted to be. Music bores me, I can count the amount of albums I enjoy listening to on my fingers, and this is coming from some dude who has over 100gb of music. I really just don’t see the point in what 90% of any band I ever listened to is saying anymore. I really don’t care for heartbreak, I really don’t care for hardship, I feel that it’s only a way forward, I don’t really care for kids trying to act tough or kvlt, so what is there to care about? 

This is something that has really been churning around inside me for a while now. Once you uphold a life of decent moral standard, what is there to care about? When you’re breaking the law everyday, that absorbs you in one way or another and it gives you something to keep you on your toes, something to be passionate about, a culture to revel in. 

For my entire life, I’ve felt home in a culture of music and literature, both of which just seem pedantic nowadays, almost as if the nihilistic philosophers sum up completely how I feel, that everything is completely and utterly shallow with no depth to it, I fail to see the depth in anyone’s suffering including my own, I fail to see the depth in any form of communication I’ve picked up the last year, no one seems to be saying anything, and is it my fault for devaluing what is worth being said? I mean, what really should communication be? How do you say something of meaning? What is meaningful? 

I don’t want to go Uni, the incredible pessimism I’m feeling has left me with some kind of understanding that there’s nothing really on offer that I’d find interesting, I mean, Uni is afterall just more schooling and I’ve always hated schooling. I don’t have any urge to learn, it just feels like I understand what I’ve spent my entire life attempting to understand and now I know what I’ve been searching for, an answer, there’s no real point to anything. 

All my life that I can remember I wanted to go to Uni and study music, and it really hit me in the middle of my music SAC the other day that I really couldn’t give a fuck about a higher education in music. I know how to read music, I know which classical composers I prefer over others, I can talk about music to a degree that is higher than the majority of the music listening population, I don’t care about anything else they’ll try and teach me. 

With this of course, over the last year or so I’ve told myself that I’d do something to do with english and teaching, in an attempt to become someone like Mr.Pullar, Ms.Dermody and Mr. Wilkins and such, attempt to change kids lives, become someone in a position of which I can influence the future, but I truly find myself sitting in Lit and reading The Great Gatsby and going “who the fuck cares?” I really can’t be fucked analytically reading a book I feel with very little substance and only a brief message about society, and then I realize, this is exactly what I’ll be teaching if I ever become an english teacher of some kind. I’ll be telling these kids singular summed up messages from books that are sometimes an incredible bore to actually read through. 

It really makes me loose faith in what I’m doing. I mean honestly, what other marketable skills do I truly have? I can give you a commentary on society, I can write you a song, I can play drums pretty well, and I can use quite a fair bit of wanky language to get across a message I can simply give in a paragraph (this post being a case in point). What the fuck am I doing with my life? Where am I going? I don’t have any goals anymore apart from striking it rich in some rock band which is obviously easy as shit and doesn’t require selling out and destruction of values at all or anything. 

I really just live for that half an hour every couple of weeks when I’m up playing drums to people who seem to give a fuck about my music, about what I’ve imparted into a song. If you were going to ask why I haven’t killed myself yet, that’d probably be the only answer I could give.  

  1. catfoodagain said: lern2ern.
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